The confessional post, and me

[kitchen_kink]

So I finally finished going through the confessional post this year; there went my week. ;) I'm still not entirely sure why I let myself get caught up in it every year. It has this incredibly compelling quality I can't define, even if I skip the parts that contain ugly drama.

The thing that struck me, though, was this. I'm usually mentioned in the confessional, if only once or twice, and so far, always favorably. But I notice that what people usually have to say is that I'm sexy (about which I cannot complain), and further, that I have some kind of untouchable/mysterious/sensual/powerful quality that makes them afraid to talk to me.

And all I can think is, really? Still? I know I don't spend as much time as I could in the company of the core group that tends to most participate in the confessional. But I feel like I am out there to a certain degree, I'm very public about who I am, and I try to be friendly when I'm not feeling too introverted or crazed. I guess it keeps surprising me that there are people who think I'm scary. The encouraging thing, I guess, is that I figure the people whom I find intimidating probably feel the same way about themselves: i.e., I shouldn't really be afraid to approach them. :)

But I guess I wish that if I were going to get mentioned, someone would say, "I love her writing," or "Her show was really good," or "She really helped me this one time." I mean, I know it's ultimately a crush meme, but somebody started this "fan letters" trend of suggesting people to say nice things about, and it was neat to see the kinds of nice things that people noticed about each other. It took such a long time in my life for me to feel as though I were seen at all; it's a very special gift to be seen accurately, and it's one of my favorite things when it happens.

Comments

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Every year I read the confessional and for a long time it was the worst kind of psychic itch. Inevitably every year there were one or two posts that made me want to punch a wall, but there was enough intrigue and raw discussion that I couldn't stop scratching the urge to read, even though I knew it was just going to make the irritation worse. It was the poison ivy of blog posts.

This year, I think I turned a corner. I'm so off the radar that I didn't expect to come to mind for anyone posting and I barely recognized the majority of the people getting complimented. (My feelings on that are mixed, but not much to be done about it this year.) The context of the confessional has always felt pretty hypersexualized to me though so even though I *do* like your writing, directing, and many, many other things about you, I'd still feel like I was basically putting a "Hey, wanna?" out into the world just by association. I'm always happy to tell you all of that elsewhere however.

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Re your first paragraph: get out of my head. :) Seriously, I love it when you comment and say the thing I'm trying to say better than I could.

You were mentioned, btw. By me, even. ;)

Hm. It's hard to explain; I know the confessional is hypersexualized but I believe it is so by design; it happens around Valentine's Day and is centered around crushes. I like there being space for that, and I actually don't mind much that people express sexualized thoughts about me there. I guess I just thought it was neat how some people got these very specific-to-them, observant notes of admiration, and mine were either general, or mystified, or both. I had a hard time coming up with good examples of what I meant for what I wished people would have said, but it's not even necessarily that I wanted them to compliment non-sexual things. More that it would have been cool if they were specific to me - memories of particular events, conversations, scenes. Or squeeful attractions that are based in more than "she's hot and mysterious." I guess cause I don't feel all that mysterious.

But I think ultimately I just recognized through this process that I'm peripheral, and the people who know and see me best aren't reading or commenting there. And that's probably okay.

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Your post made me go back to see what last bits had trickled into the confessional and by the timing, I thought that might be you. It's appreciated. :)

I do know what you mean about the generic versus the specific though; in hindsight I think that was some of what I was trying to get at in terms of hypersexualization and the binary nature of the confessional. There's that sort of "Hot or Not" aspect that spawns so many people posting to express their feelings of sadness or failure at not being mentioned. As your comment explained though, sometimes getting from finding someone crushworthy to actual crushing is complicated and all the caveats and disclaimers probably aren't quite appropriate for the venue.

If I were to try a late confession though, there was a post you made a while back involving a vest and jeans that haunts my dreams on occasion. Elegant words, beauty, desire, transgression, with a fillip of bared teeth sufficient to inspire fear. It's a killer combination. :)

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Whoa. Going back through old posts and realizing I never responded to this...Right about now it's making me go ORLY? :)

How are you? Writing stuff soon, maybe post-Arisia??

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Yep, really. :)

I'm been traveling the last few days but I'm about 1000 words away from finishing a new piece I think might actually be pretty decent. Hoping to use it as my Arisia reading, but I'll be curious to see what you think of it. We're also seriously overdue on your stuff. Things still rolling along with the novel? We should definitely schedule some time post-con to get some critique in.