The confessional post, and me

[kitchen_kink]

So I finally finished going through the confessional post this year; there went my week. ;) I'm still not entirely sure why I let myself get caught up in it every year. It has this incredibly compelling quality I can't define, even if I skip the parts that contain ugly drama.

The thing that struck me, though, was this. I'm usually mentioned in the confessional, if only once or twice, and so far, always favorably. But I notice that what people usually have to say is that I'm sexy (about which I cannot complain), and further, that I have some kind of untouchable/mysterious/sensual/powerful quality that makes them afraid to talk to me.

And all I can think is, really? Still? I know I don't spend as much time as I could in the company of the core group that tends to most participate in the confessional. But I feel like I am out there to a certain degree, I'm very public about who I am, and I try to be friendly when I'm not feeling too introverted or crazed. I guess it keeps surprising me that there are people who think I'm scary. The encouraging thing, I guess, is that I figure the people whom I find intimidating probably feel the same way about themselves: i.e., I shouldn't really be afraid to approach them. :)

But I guess I wish that if I were going to get mentioned, someone would say, "I love her writing," or "Her show was really good," or "She really helped me this one time." I mean, I know it's ultimately a crush meme, but somebody started this "fan letters" trend of suggesting people to say nice things about, and it was neat to see the kinds of nice things that people noticed about each other. It took such a long time in my life for me to feel as though I were seen at all; it's a very special gift to be seen accurately, and it's one of my favorite things when it happens.

Comments

[trowa-barton.livejournal.com]

But I guess I wish that if I were going to get mentioned, someone would say, "I love her writing," or "Her show was really good," or "She really helped me this one time."
They would be known comments.

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Huh. What do you mean? Known by me? I don't know. I want to know what people think of me in terms of what I feel is important that I put out there.

And you might be underestimating the degree to which I used to feel invisible.

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Also: I guess I loved the kinds of things that people said, like, about regyt: "I love how you start a new awesome thing every time you're bored!" It's a great observation, that I'm sure regyt knows, but it's wonderful when someone else sees your particular brand of awesome in a way that maybe you didn't see, or didn't know that others could see.

[trowa-barton.livejournal.com]

And you might be underestimating the degree to which I used to feel invisible.
Perhaps, which is weird since I know what invisible feels like.

[perseph12.livejournal.com]

Whenever I think of you, I picture this Amazonian Professor of Dance and Kink. You are still beautiful, of course, but I always draw upon my experiences of you as being intelligent, talented, and kicking ass.

I also hope you will publish a book or teach a class on domination. I think you could make a mint :).

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Gosh, thanks. :) Dance, really? I feel like I can't dance for shit. :)

Now of course I realize that this post looks like fishing, and perhaps it is. Either way, thanks.

[perseph12.livejournal.com]

You are quite welcome, my dear. I only speak the truth. *Curtsies*

Seriously, I look at your wedding photos, and am taken aback by your grace and elegance. It seems possible to sense the movement in the photograph, and it takes me my breath away.

No matter what, you inspire me in all sorts of ways, so fish if you need to!

[ivy]

Heh. I read it (though I didn't comment) and I don't think I know any of the core group of people -- I know four or five of the people mentioned in the four thousand odd comments. But it's still sort of compelling in the way Postsecret is; it's a window into the kinds of things people think but normally don't say.

I can understand wanting to be seen with depth and complexity. That's a totally reasonable and natural desire.

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

But it's still sort of compelling in the way Postsecret is; it's a window into the kinds of things people think but normally don't say.

Yeah, that's probably what keeps me coming back to it. Still...I don't know, maybe I'm weird, but I guess there's not a lot that I don't say. I know I can be a bit too honest, so it's compelling and hard to relate at the same time.

I keep forgetting or maybe never knew: where do you live? It'd be neat to meet you someday.

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

I managed (barely) to walk away from the confessional and stop reading on day three or four, because I was pretty sure that finding out explicitly that I'm not on anyone's radar was worse than just assuming I'm not part of that particular fishpond.

But I very much hear what you're saying about being seen accurately, and it's such a gift anytime it happens.

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

The strange part is I think that the couple of times I was mentioned clued me into how little I'm part of that particular fishpond. I'm definitely on the periphery. I'm invited to some of the parties, but a lot of the time I make my own fun, and my usual crowd is sort of orthogonal to that crowd. I guess the question for me keeps being whether I want to be tighter in or not, and if I do, how would I do that? And if I did, would people's mystification of me increase or decrease?

It was good having tea with you, btw. Would be nice to again, and maybe that dinner we've been trying to have for how long??

[unknownrockstar.livejournal.com]

I don't find you intimidating, but I tend to think of you as very busy. we've talked about getting together for tea a few times in oh, the past few years I think and haven't made it happen. I'm pretty busy too, but lets have tea this year!

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Dude, I know! It'd be nice to catch up - what's your schedule like these days?

[unknownrockstar.livejournal.com]

my schedule is comparatively "normal" these days. I shall message ye on failboat as I don't check LJ daily.

[catling.livejournal.com]

*ponder* I am guessing that those who find you intimidating haven't made much of an attempt to strike up a conversation with you? I don't think I ever found you particularly intimidating, you were warm and kind and brilliant and funny from the moment we started talking.

And yes, sadly, when people don't know one, they do sometimes dwell on physical sexy attributes rather than the qualities we'd like people to notice and remark on. It does get kind of old. For the record, as beautiful as you are physically, it's not what I think of when I think of you. When I think of you, I smile to recall how tenderly you care for the people you love. I love the twists and turns your mind takes in its pondering. I do love the way you write. And you bake a damn fine bread, too.

I pretty much forgot about the confessional this year. Probably for the best, really. I'm assuming no one mentioned me in any interesting contexts as I've not been directed to any threads. Given what a recluse I've been due to my academic schedule, I'm not surprised.

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

*so many hugs*

I'm feeling a little guilty, because now I realize that this post looks like fishing for my friends to say nice and seeing-me things about me. Which maybe I am. And maybe I'm just looking for confirmation that my crowd, the people who see me well, are still listening here.

I'm glad to know you are.

I've been privileged to watch you blossom in the past few years; it's a beautiful thing, and congrats on grad school! I'd ask you to breakfast, but do you have time these days??

[catling.livejournal.com]

I didn't actually see this post as fishing, I saw you processing a thing that was bugging you about the confessional responses in your journal, cuz hey, that's what we do on LJ sometimes. And when you do so in sight of caring friends, I think you will get these validating responses.

But if you were fishing (unconsciously or otherwise), I also see nothing wrong with that, we all need some love and validation at times, to know that we are seen and understood and accepted for who we are. :)

Thank you so much. These past few years really have been amazing and though it's a slow process of becoming, I am really happy with how the journey is going right now. Hard work, good work.

Most weeks I'd have to say that there was little time, but you have happened to ask this question right before Spring break, so I might very well be able to do breakfast some morning next week. I will even be vaguely in your neck of the woods next Weds for Therapy, is that a good day for a breakfast meetup around 11ish? (we can take this to email for the logistics... *love and hugs*)

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Every year I read the confessional and for a long time it was the worst kind of psychic itch. Inevitably every year there were one or two posts that made me want to punch a wall, but there was enough intrigue and raw discussion that I couldn't stop scratching the urge to read, even though I knew it was just going to make the irritation worse. It was the poison ivy of blog posts.

This year, I think I turned a corner. I'm so off the radar that I didn't expect to come to mind for anyone posting and I barely recognized the majority of the people getting complimented. (My feelings on that are mixed, but not much to be done about it this year.) The context of the confessional has always felt pretty hypersexualized to me though so even though I *do* like your writing, directing, and many, many other things about you, I'd still feel like I was basically putting a "Hey, wanna?" out into the world just by association. I'm always happy to tell you all of that elsewhere however.

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Re your first paragraph: get out of my head. :) Seriously, I love it when you comment and say the thing I'm trying to say better than I could.

You were mentioned, btw. By me, even. ;)

Hm. It's hard to explain; I know the confessional is hypersexualized but I believe it is so by design; it happens around Valentine's Day and is centered around crushes. I like there being space for that, and I actually don't mind much that people express sexualized thoughts about me there. I guess I just thought it was neat how some people got these very specific-to-them, observant notes of admiration, and mine were either general, or mystified, or both. I had a hard time coming up with good examples of what I meant for what I wished people would have said, but it's not even necessarily that I wanted them to compliment non-sexual things. More that it would have been cool if they were specific to me - memories of particular events, conversations, scenes. Or squeeful attractions that are based in more than "she's hot and mysterious." I guess cause I don't feel all that mysterious.

But I think ultimately I just recognized through this process that I'm peripheral, and the people who know and see me best aren't reading or commenting there. And that's probably okay.

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Your post made me go back to see what last bits had trickled into the confessional and by the timing, I thought that might be you. It's appreciated. :)

I do know what you mean about the generic versus the specific though; in hindsight I think that was some of what I was trying to get at in terms of hypersexualization and the binary nature of the confessional. There's that sort of "Hot or Not" aspect that spawns so many people posting to express their feelings of sadness or failure at not being mentioned. As your comment explained though, sometimes getting from finding someone crushworthy to actual crushing is complicated and all the caveats and disclaimers probably aren't quite appropriate for the venue.

If I were to try a late confession though, there was a post you made a while back involving a vest and jeans that haunts my dreams on occasion. Elegant words, beauty, desire, transgression, with a fillip of bared teeth sufficient to inspire fear. It's a killer combination. :)

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Whoa. Going back through old posts and realizing I never responded to this...Right about now it's making me go ORLY? :)

How are you? Writing stuff soon, maybe post-Arisia??

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Yep, really. :)

I'm been traveling the last few days but I'm about 1000 words away from finishing a new piece I think might actually be pretty decent. Hoping to use it as my Arisia reading, but I'll be curious to see what you think of it. We're also seriously overdue on your stuff. Things still rolling along with the novel? We should definitely schedule some time post-con to get some critique in.

[starphire.livejournal.com]

I think you know that I never felt intimidated by you.
And I knew that I liked your writing, because that was out there for people to see.

It just took a long damned time (too long, really) before I actually got to know how awesome you are on a personal level (aside from what you'd written about). Before that, it was just tiny impressions of you at social events.

Also, you REALLY helped me this one time...Thank You!

[dietrich.livejournal.com]

Aw! You're awesome, too. We still need to get together. BREAD!!

And thank you, and you're welcome.

Bread!

[starphire.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's been too long, we should do that.

I'll admit, though, that I had "invite K over to grind grains and make bread from them" on my to-do list, and then saw your entries about your new dietary plan which included minimal bread consumption - I kind of assumed that bread-making was of somewhat less interest to you lately.
Totally still up for doing that, though. I'll email you about possible times.