Oh look, it's Dietrich

I just got back from the gym, which I rode a bike to and from, in the rain, and while there, jogged for 20 minutes, or over a mile and a half, without stopping to walk.

This is unheard of in my previous experience. But after running nearly 10 minutes in a row the other day, I did my five-minute warmup today and then, after five minutes, figured, "why not ten?" And after ten, why not fifteen? Then all of a sudden, I'd run the whole thing.

What makes me furious is that for all the required gym classes I suffered through in school, nobody ever taught me *how* to run, or how to enjoy it. We were simply required to do it and not ask questions. From the time I was small and had to do the 600 yard dash, I recall being unable to do it. I'd run my little heart out, but after a quite short time, I'd have to stop, panting and wheezing. I'd walk for a little while, feeling the stitch in my side, my tongue swelling, the taste of iron in my mouth. But no matter how long I walked I couldn't regain the ability to run again, and when I reached the end of the course I would collapse and need to catch my breath for at least ten minutes. Meanwhile, at home, my older cousin would challenge me to foot races, giving me a ten second head start and still creaming me easily.

By high school I'd pretty much decided that I am One Who Runs Only When Chased, and, as in all other affairs of gym class, wore my athletic ineptitude as a badge of pride. (It got me teased slightly less than if I actually tried to do well.) At some point in our junior year, we were forced to run a mile. We trained for it for several weeks, basically by getting out there every day and running as far as we could.

Naturally, I hit up against the same wall: as far as I could was less than five minutes, and then I'd hit what I now know is an exercise-induced asthma attack and would be able to go no further. In the end I said fuck the gym teachers and walked the goddamn mile.

Did these so-called teachers ever think to show the weaker runners how to interval-train? How to use proper form so that you're using your whole body to propel yourself forward, not just your legs? How to prevent injury? Of course not. It was just, "Get the lead out!" and other such wonderfully creative tools of humiliation. Which at that point was as good as dooming my grade, because I responded to humiliation with anger and spite and refusal to do anything, not with trying harder.

A few months ago, all I had to do was go to coolrunning.com and get the "couch-to-5k" running plan. At first running a minute at a time was difficult.

Today I ran my mile at last. And then some. Fuck you, public school gym class.

1. My mood seems significantly better during the first couple weeks of my cycle, before/during ovulation, than it does in the latter half. As in, feeling really good and happy as opposed to dragged out and despairing, with the same life circumstances in place. (Ah, chemicals.)

2. 'Kill your babies' is really good writerly advice. (For those who don't know, it's the adage that if you write a passage that you feel you absolutely can't live without, strike it out immediately. Something better is waiting behind it.) I learned this by accident when writing the 'love' entry you all liked so much. (Thanks.) I had it almost finished when I hit some mysterious combination of keys which caused it to be erased. I sat at my desk, hitting 'paste' and 'undo' and trying to figure out what the hell I'd done, then nearly burst into tears of frustration, right here at the front desk of a law firm. Clenched my jaw and quietly hit my fist against the desk for a minute, then breathed deeply and started again. What came out the second time was ten times better.

3. New England weather is a stone cold bitch. (Actually, I already knew that, but it seems I have to relearn it every year I'm here.)

4. Being helpful, I mean really helpful, to a friend, especially one who has trouble letting people in, is one of the great rewards of my life. (Hi, Enneagram Type 2.) The trick for an empath is to keep the positive energy flowing and not let the other person's problems drag me down to a place where I become unhelpful and useless. I think that's the great balancing act for me: being intuitive, listening, and helping people heal is one of my greatest pleasures. But this week I think I've managed to step back a bit and keep an objective eye.

5. I got a $10,000 per year scholarship to Northeastern Law. Go me!