Hey Jealousy

[kitchen_kink]

Hi all. Working on doing one interview-type piece, or at least a piece with quotes, each week at The Examiner. My general topic is Open Relationships, and so I'm spending a little brainstorming time making lists of articles I could do. Every article is short and sweet, and I'm hoping to be able to bang out 3 or 4 a week.

Here's one I'd like to do late this week, and I could use the poly people's help in comments.

-Do you experience jealousy?
-If so, how do you manage it in your relationships?
-How would you like to be referred to in the article?

Thanks!

Comments

[the-xtina.livejournal.com]

I experience jealousy sometimes.  Actual jealousy, not "we're calling it 'jealousy' but it's really envy".  I feel hurt and possessive and it's all very fleh.

What it is, for me, is insecurity.  Once I started equating jealousy with insecurity, it's all been a lot easier to manage.  It becomes not their problem but mine, and a mild one at that.  It transforms from "I'm going to lose my partner to this other person, doom!" to "I'm feeling insecure, so extra snuggles will help".  Way, way, way more manageable.

For my partners' jealousy (should they experience it), I try to help by always being communicative and clear, and checking in to see how they're doing with things.  I am more attentive on this when dating someone new than with dating someone established -- I rarely check in with Josh about Rose, for example -- but I do still check in from time to time.  An every year or 1,000 snogs, if you will.

(Xtina.)

[weegoddess.livejournal.com]

To be honest, what I experience is the feeling that my feelings haven't been respected. Not so much jealousy but the angry emotion of 'my feelings aren't being honored and I am not feeling sufficiently cared for'. I don't know if that counts as jealousy or not.

I'm not really feeling insecure or afraid of losing my sweetie. But do I get royally pissed off if it feels like someone else is being given attention when I haven't been attended to sufficiently. I spend a lot of time and effort to make sure that my sweeties feel fully loved and honored and I expect the same in return. And I find that if I don't get it, ain't nobody happy. I am not ok with someone else coming in and stealing my lover's attention away.

I'd rather not be fully named in the article, should you decide that you want to use anything I said. But you could call me Lori.

[satyrgrl.livejournal.com]

I primarily experience jealousy in three different forms. The first is the "what about me!!!" form, in which I get all insecure and interpret comments on someone else's awesomeness to mean that I somehow lack the praised quality. Usually, this is easily resolved when I am reassured that I am in fact the center of the universe. The second form is more... insidious. It tends to be about territory and the space I occupy with my partner. My bed, my house, my kitchen, they are MINE and bringing someone else into that space is an intrusion into something that is exclusively mine. The third kind is really about the intentions of the other person. I need to know that my partner's other partners respect my place in his life and are willing accept and promote his prioritization of his relationship with me. This is usually resolved by looking a woman in the eye and seeing how comfortable she is with me. In many ways, this is part of the whole territory thing. I need to know that no one is looking to remove me from my place or insert themselves in a way I'm not comfortable with.
As far as resolving jealousy goes, my partner is not allowed to wax on at length about the awesomeness of his other partners, about how excited he is about an upcoming date, how awesome the sex was...etc. In many ways, this is a way of keeping it out of our relationship. His other relationships are his thing, not my thing, and I want to keep it that way. It causes some tension because he is the exact opposite. He wants all the details, wants to know all about what I am experiencing. I hate to share those details, because my other relationships are my thing, not his thing. This difference in preference is probably one of our biggest issues in resolving jealousy. We try and compromise. I try to be more forthcoming with him and he tries to understand that just because getting me to spill the details is like pulling teeth doesn't mean that I'm hiding something. I tolerate a certain degree of sharing from him, and he doesn't take it personally when I say "I don't care and I don't want to hear about it!"

You can use my first name if you want.

[buxom-bey.livejournal.com]

The handful of times I've experienced jealousy it has been because I felt excluded or discounted in some way. Such as my SO conversing passionately with another about a topic of which I had no practical knowledge. In most cases a simple "I don't need you to do anything, I just want you to know I felt this way and why" is enough to put it behind us.

For anything poly related Bey or Bey +lastname is fine. If you want to go so far as to refer to me as a "frequent panel speaker" on the topic, it would not be untrue and I'd get a hell of a kick out of it. *grin*

hmmmm....

[gwisteria.livejournal.com]

well for me its weid i never experienced jealousy at all for many years.I came into poly when it was more the norm to clearly label people and so it worked in my brain...i never put myself in a secondary role but i learned to be a really flexible and good natured primary. Then my husband/Dom became involved with a woman who doesnt do poly that way and he very much wanted to do away with the terms and for us both to be equal partners. It flipped all my switches, I was nuts having really never dealt with jealousy and seeing it as a failing in me after all the years of being poly was devasting. I still struggle with the slightest things but i wait a week before i speak about them to anyone to see, if it disipates, if it is really a battle i need to pick, and if i come to see another way around it which is mostly what happens. You can referr to me as violet if you dont mind.

[(Anonymous)]

I'd be interested to read about the positive value of jealousy. Jealousy can be a signal that a need isn't being met, or a commitment isn't being honored. So often it's framed as mere insecurity that can be snuggled away.

[cos]

-Do you experience jealousy?

Extremely rarely. Most years, not at all. Some years, once or twice, but lasting only a small part of a day each time (actually usually less than an hour).

-If so, how do you manage it in your relationships?

Some of the necessary components to trigger jealous for me are:
- not knowing where I stand with someone
- wanting very much to have something with her that I don't know I do/will have
- seeing an interaction that I feel has the potential to reduce the chances of the above

Since all of these (plus some others) are necessary (none is sufficient on its own), in an actual relationship it's fairly easy for me to avoid because I can pre-emptively build good communications with her and use good communications to know where I stand. That's why the few times I've felt jealousy have almost entirely been in early pre-relationship stages, not in an actual established relationship.

-How would you like to be referred to in the article?

It's up to you. Real name is okay, Cos is okay, some sort of anonymized or pronoun reference is okay.

P.S. I should add that I realize I'm unusual, even among poly people, and also that I've known monogamous people who don't experience jealousy, or hardly ever do. I do not believe that polyamory creates either more or less jealousy than monogamy, nor do I know of any evidence that poly people on average have more or less jealousy than monogamous people (and I'd be very skeptical of any conjecture on that, absent real evidence).

[regyt.livejournal.com]

It comes when I don't feel important enough, cared for enough, special enough, given enough time or attention. Sometimes it means that I'm simply not important enough, in which case I end the dynamic because that doesn't work for me. (Well. You know.) Sometimes it's just about asking for reassurance or more time or attention or different kinds of attention or ways of showing care, which tends to work really well because it feels like working on a shared issue that we can hack and fix together. Make up a name for me if you refer to me, please.

[gentlescholar.livejournal.com]

I do a lot of envy, but not jealousy. I use the words to mean
"envy"--You have something and I want it too!
"Jealousy"--You have something and I want it and I want you not to have it!
I am envious of popularity, brilliance, opportunity, having someone in particular.
I haven't felt jealous in many years, and even then I considered it my problem and mine alone.
I don't think of jealousy as valid. I see it as a failing in myself.
So I fume and sulk and rage inwardly but I try hard not to let
anyone even know it is happening.

Envy alone can make me plenty bitter if I let it. It might even slide towards jealousy, because "I'm upset because X has Y and I don't, and it wouldn't be as hard to take if X didn't have Y either."

Jealousy is my problem. Envy I sometimes blame others for.

When a partner is feeling jealous, I try to be patient but I feel annoyed with them.
When a partner feels envious, I sympathize and try to give them comfort and reassurance, if they fear something baseless. If it is a genuine fear, I use as much tact as possible and remind them of all the things they have that aren't threatened; I refresh promises that I am still comfortable keeping and mean fully.
But after a certain point, I have to start defending my right to have what I have, even if it hurts a partner. I can't always be giving in to their fears or wishes. Mine have to count too at some point.

As for a handle, um...GS would be fine.

[fanw.livejournal.com]

Mind if I put in my two cents? I'm not poly, but jealousy was never the reason.

I make a distinction between jealousy and envy. For me, jealousy is "you did something fun with THEM and not ME!" whereas envy is "you did something fun! Wish I did." I don't feel jealousy. You wanna do something fun, go for it! But if you go have fun and I'm home washing the dishes, I'll wish I had fun plans too. Part of the careful navigation of poly is if both partners are equally social. Both partners may need a secondary so that neither one feels they are missing out, but of course parallel relationships don't generally begin and end in perfect synchrony.

In my relationship, I'm very happy that we have equal ideas of jealousy. That is, he and I are both perfectly happy to hang out alone with our respective friends of the opposite sex. No problem whatsoever. In fact, right now our only problem is we spend too MUCH time together (not so bad really) since we don't have a solid friends network to draw our attention, and we both need that outlet.

that's my two cents for now!

[fanw.livejournal.com]

One last note. When I was dating a very jealous partner, I didn't know quite how to deal with it. I assumed it was that he didn't feel secure in my affection and I ramped up my affection, but in the end any amount of attention I spent on another man (including dancing and more basically, conversation) was unacceptable ....

In a monogamous relationship, I felt perfectly fine raising one man above the rest, but I could not stop interacting with half of the human race. Just unacceptable.